woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
