I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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