u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
