You made me cry and you don't even care
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
