Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
not ubering you a puppy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
