I wish I only lived at night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
