the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize