I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
