Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
