My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
