he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
