Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
