Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
