Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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