Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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