Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
