there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
