i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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