Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
