I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
