There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
