One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
