bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
