Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
