is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
