The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
