if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
