so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
