He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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