why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
