Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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