You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
