onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
