So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
