The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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