Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
