his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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