on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
