This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
