hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
