Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
