just come out here and I will go home with you...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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