but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
