She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
