someone threw a dead crab at me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
