She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
