I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
