So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
