If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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