Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
