My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
