I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
